What I am hoping for will soon come because I’ve grown bored with this phase of womanhood.
Of being emotionally dissatisfied, disappointed, and dismissed.
At least that’s what it feels like to me.
I’ve dated enough men, lived with a few, and have children by two; I know what I want.
So why don’t I have it?
I haven’t been woman enough to receive it. Yet.
Forgiveness of others is easy but I am so hard on myself. I know better and sometimes against my intuition I don’t do better because I want to see! I trust but my curious cat loves to die.
I keep replaying the times I let men speak to me ill about other women when I should’ve been woman enough to not entertain or engage. I can’t preach loving and respecting the Divine Feminine if I don’t.
I think of how I allowed myself to be small for men who only grew greater in ego as I diminished.
For the times I went too far left outside my character for attention.
And for when I allowed men to go right over my boundaries due to fear of being alone.
My father wasn’t present to teach me the ways to protect myself from this type of emotional damage.
I didn’t and don’t have him or his father to turn to.
Whatever I did in my past life I swear I’m sorry for because this karmic loop of third party situations and double lives is old.
I hope my daughters never experience what I have finding their worth and aligning with the opportunity for real love.
I pray they are more courageous and honest in their quest for companionship.
The closer I grow to my faith and Spirituality, the less I care about attracting a man and I just receive what love energy is being sent to me.
I am so grateful for all the genuine, mutual, and vulnerable energy I am receiving as I find what love is for me; again.
I only hope next time is the last time because I am for sure ready for Moore love.
The mature kind.